Language-model judges now gate training data, score generations, and drive leaderboards. The judge is then a measurement instrument, resting on one rarely stated assumption: the same request, sent to the same model name, reads the same tomorrow. We audited that assumption in two preregistered campaigns with every threshold fixed in advance; neither got past validating its instrument. Across 52,988 audited request attempts, same-window repeat rankings agreed at Spearman 0.400 against a required 0.90, and byte-identical next-day replays agreed at 0.78 against a required 0.99, each time with the execution record at ceiling. Three mechanisms explain the gap: a label-to-meaning mapping that biased readouts as strongly as the signal; candidate gaps seven orders of magnitude below the instrument's own noise floor; and byte-identical inputs returning different rankings, a noise that exact-permutation readouts compound. Neither metric substitution nor sampling repaired it on the tested grid. Preregistered follow-ups bound the problem: waiting did not help on the days sampled (0.805 versus 0.800, replicated over five further days); switching providers did not help (four providers share the floor, medians 0.74 to 0.88, predicted by none of the metadata fields they expose); self-hosting on batch-invariant kernels helped only while the server was quiet; and on constructed errors with known gaps, the readout's separation tracks error type, not size. We distill the evidence into a three-level snapshot-identity ladder, eight design rules, and a reporting checklist; a pilot at roughly 2% of the study's call volume would have exposed both unreachable gates in advance. All results concern externally measured behaviour on shared serving infrastructure. On a shared endpoint, a model name is not a frozen instrument; a preregistered evaluation must measure its instrument before freezing any gate on it.
On biomedical tabular data, flexible models such as deep networks, gradient-boosted trees, and kernel methods are repeatedly matched or beaten by linear and logistic regression given the same features. The usual reaction is to treat this as a model-side shortfall, to be fixed with more data, a better architecture, or tuning, on the assumption that the nonlinear structure is there and the model has failed to capture it. We argue that these fixes cannot help when the binding limit is the measurement rather than the model, as it frequently is in biomedicine. Additive noise blurs the population-optimal predictor, and because blurring removes a function's fine, rapidly varying detail before its broad shape, it erases nonlinear structure faster than linear structure. A degree-$k$ interaction is attenuated by the $k$-th power of feature reliability, while the linear part is attenuated only once. At the reliabilities typical of biomedical measurement, the nonlinear advantage can vanish even when the underlying biology is strongly nonlinear, and what the noise removes cannot be recovered by a larger cohort or a more flexible model, only by better measurement. The nonlinearity is hidden, not absent, and a tie between linear and flexible models is not by itself a verdict on the biology. These pieces are classical, drawn from measurement-error statistics, psychometrics, and Gaussian analysis, and we assemble them into an exact excess-risk identity. Measurement reliability is one of three conditions, alongside sample size and feature representation, that must align for a flexible model to help, and together they leave only a narrow window that most biomedical tasks fall outside. Across 140 UK Biobank tasks, the gap between flexible and linear models, where it exists, carries the predicted noise signature, and the three conditions can be separated by intervention but not by a benchmark alone.